Life and Death, but Mostly Death
by Enzonia
Summary: Killing is easy, living with yourself after is hard. These are all of Johanna's Kills from her Hunger Games and one after in order. Kills range from innocent tributes to Careers to District partners. Slight OOC-ness towards end, which will be explained in the last chapter. No pairing, Angsty-ness in high levels towards the end, but before then, many, many sarcastic comments! :P
1. If Life is a story,

**This will be 8 chapters long, and pretty angsty towards the end. Rated 'T' for some swearing occasionally. Enjoy, and read 'Porcelain Mask' or die! The same goes for Pivotal, Pivoting :)**

You know when something in your head tells you that something you are about to do is a really, really, _really _bad idea?

And you just laugh it off, or convince yourself that what you are about to do is perfectly safe; you're just being paranoid and idiotic.

And so you ignore it, and go plunging in anyway, doing the thing you know, deep down, is a very bad thing to do, and it turns out your deep-down voice is pretty clever, and you mourn not listening to yourself earlier.

Well, that's exactly the sort of feeling that's filling me now, the nagging sensation that I really shouldn't do this now.

It would have been better if I actually _had _a weapon, and if I didn't have to pretend to be a 'prancing little scaredy-cat fairy who wants to go home to mummy-wummy'. Ickle Jowannakins. That's what they call me at the moment, in their falsetto baby voices. It sounds like somebody stabbing a pig in my opinion. Anyway, I need to go to the stream, the closest source of water to me in my tree, and I _don't have a weapon! _Even if it was a sword, or spear or something I can't use as well as an axe, it'd make me feel a bit safer. I edge towards the river, feeling sure that someone's going to jump out at me, and stab me in the heart.

But no-one comes.

I exhale audibly; glad that this will be written off as part of my 'Ickle Jowannakins' act, not attributed to me being scared. Which Johanna wouldn't be, even if I am.

'_No, stop thinking about Jo, you are not Jo, you are Johanna, remember your masks. Johanna or Jowannakins. Not Jo. Never Jo. You can be Jo when you win.'_

I seriously hope I win, not only for staying alive, which is the main goal of most of the people in the Arena (apart from the nutty Careers, who volunteer and seem to enjoy all the deaths and dying). My main goal is _not _to die as the wimpy Jowannakins, or the macho sarcastic Johanna. I'm going to die as me, _Jo, _of old age in my house with grandchildren or whatever. Jo has to be forgotten. Johanna wouldn't be scared about drinking from this river.

But I can't deny it though; I actually am pretty scared of this.

I lean over, and begin shovelling water into my mouth with my hands, as another stab of annoyance hits me over 'Ickle Jowannakins' again. I couldn't run to the Cornucopia, to pick up that golden axe that would have won me the games, as it wouldn't be _in character. _So I ended up with nothing but my life. I think I might have preferred the axe now I think about it. I begin to calm down as I realise no-one is hiding behind the rocks around me, and I let my hand drift in the water, feeling the coolness relax me. Probably not the best thing to be in the Arena.

That nagging sensation from earlier turns out to be correct.

A cold, clammy hand grasps my arm, and it takes me a second too long to react, and I freeze, as the hand doesn't move from my arm. As soon as I realise what this means, and turn in horror to look at the pale hand clasping my arm. And that's when it pulls me under.

And I can't swim very well.

I scream, and see a stream of bubbles exit my mouth, silently though, making it seem calmer, even _tranquil._ I push myself up in the shallow stream, gasping in fear as I see a shadow of a reflection form in the water beneath me.

Tall, with dark red hair and a evil looking grin…

The girl from District 4.

She places hands on my shoulders as I push myself away, hard, attempting to escape. She places the axe, _my axe, _on the ground, and grabs my head roughly, shoving it roughly into the water again, a laugh escaping her lips as she does it. I hold my breath, thinking rapidly, as I think how to utilise my stratergy. She thinks I'm weak? I'll show her _weak._

That's when I knee her in the groin.

True, she's female, and groin-shots affect us a lot less than boys, but it still hurts like hell. And she releases me.

_She releases me!_

I throw myself up, and instinctively shove her down, into the water, and hold her there, as she writhes beneath me, but I'm stronger when I look, especially when I'm running on fear and anger. She reaches a hand across, towards the axe, desperate now, and I stand on her hand, causing a new string of bubbles to burst through the surface. She writhes more, though her movements are beginning to become slugglish, and the bubbles less frequent.

And then the bubbles stop.

I step back, and look at _my _handiwork, she's not moving; I half expected her to be faking. I'm not even feeling that guilty at the moment, for almost-killing her at least. _That's _what's making me feel guilty! I've more or less killed someone, I should feel _something. _But the only thing I can feel is pride that I now have the axe I wanted.

I disgust myself.

I reach out for it with my free arm, still staring at the girl's body, unable to look away from her limp form. The cannon hasn't gone off yet, so she must still be alive, but she's still face down in the water, so she won't be soon.

I could save her.

But I won't, _she _tried to kill me! Now my brain starts to feel emotions, as anger fills me, for the girl who said that she wanted nothing better than to kill me, in her interview. In front of everyone.

I'm not going to hide myself anymore, and I swing it at a tree, listening to the _thunk _that tells me that my axe has hit the target, embedding itself deep into the tree. I can almost hear all the inhabitants of Capitol gasp in horror at the strength I have shown, after hiding it so long. I smirk at the axe in the tree and yank it out with one pull, before I glance at the body again; the cannon still hasn't gone off. But I have the axe, and I can be like me again.

Sarcastic, smirky, psychotic Johanna.

I can hear the tinkle of sponsorship money coming in, as the body remains still in the stream. It's so easy to kill someone; I didn't even have to think about it that much.

I hear a rustle behind me, and I whirl around to look at the forest, sure I saw a black ponytail flick through the trees and vanish, but nobody appears to kill me.

Then the cannon, distracting me from the girl who vanished, goes off.

My first kill…

***BOOM***


	2. What's yours about?

**To guest review who gave me the idea, thank you, and I tell you how happy I was that you liked the story! I was hoping you'd find it! Anyway, read on, read on and review!**

"Johanna!"

I turn to the voice, my axe held loosely in my hand as I turn to the source of the noise. It doesn't appear to be an aggressive voice, so I don't raise the axe.

My District partner, Baum's here!

I run over and hug him, even though I feel slightly disgusted doing this, cuddling someone I might actually have to kill in coming days. And since I didn't feel that bad after the last person I killed, I can't believe I would hesitate that much about doing it either. He strokes my short blond hair, and I try to supress a shudder, and he releases me. His face has scars on it, new ones from the games. I sit down on the floor, beside my axe as Baum joins me. He's about a year older than me, but when I'm pretending to be 'Ickle Jowannakins' like now, I seem about 5 years younger than I am.

Jowannakins does seem more like 12 than 15.

Sometimes it's lucky I'm so short.

"How have you been doing?" he asks

'_Despite being in a fight to the death with – what is it now? – 10 other people, all of whom think I'm weak, and all of whom want to kill me? Fine thanks.'_

I supress my sarcastic comment, and give him a (fake) watery grin "I ran away at the start…"

He smiles at me, fingering a knife between his fingers. Odd. I didn't notice it before. Maybe he just got it out. "Been keeping yourself to yourself then? I'm glad you're still alive at any rate." He says, stabbing the dirt in front of him absent mindedly.

'_Of __course __you are, you __obviously __want me to win the games, not you. It's so obvious now.'_

I remain quiet, and offer him another watery grin in response

"I probably won't make it through the rest of the d-day" I say, pretending to stutter on the last word.

I got myself a 3 in training, though I know I could have got an 8 or even a 9 if I wasn't pretending to be 'Ickle Jowannakins' all the time. I messed up with a sword, cried a bit and 'accidentally' tried to eat some poisonous berries. I worked hard for that 3. Baum managed to get himself a 7, and I think it was due to his skills with a knife. And he's got one.

Is that _blood?_

Why does Baum have blood on his knife? Baum's one of the nicest people in our District! It's Baum who buys bread to give to everyone he knows, and people he doesn't, just because he feels that it's unfair he's rich while were not! Baum who hugged his little sisters so hard when their mother died. Baum who comforted _me _when my parents died! Baum who _killed?_

No.

But even if he is Baum, and he is a killer, I won't let him kill me. The past is the past and I can't change it. But I can use the present to change the future.

Before I have time to edge towards my axe, Baum jumps, pinning me to the ground, I reach for the axe, and feel my hand close around the handle, but I keep it still, wanting to know _why._

But isn't it obvious?

I'm an obstacle in the games.

And he's removing me.

At least he looks slightly ashamed of himself.

But he stays there, and begins to mock me. "If you're going to die today, maybe I can just make it quicker for you. I don't want to waste your time." He smiles, and draws the knife nearer to my throat. "You know, I was surprised you survived this long, you're pretty dumb you know."

That's when I act. Using the element of surprise, I swing the axe into his back, and he gasps, dropping the knife.

I throw his dead weight off me, and pick the axe up again. I didn't have a proper hold of it before, and the axe has done little more than shock him and create rip in the back of his jumper. And blood. When the girl from 4 died, there wasn't any blood.

He gapes at me, gasping more, and I stand over him, anger at being betrayed pumping through my veins instead of blood.

"Stupid little Jowannakins" I say, with as much venom as I can muster "who's going to kill you"

I stand on his stomach to stop him moving as I bring the axe down, hard. He screams as the axe hits the dirt right next to his head, an evil sort of delight rising up inside me as he begins to sob. I want to see him suffer for what he was going to do to me. He was going to _kill _me! I _trusted him! _Trusting is never a good thing. Neither is caring for people. I realise this now. Or maybe, _Johanna _already knew it. Jo didn't

"Now which part of you don't you need anymore?" I ask, in a perversion of a tender manner. "Your head, you certainly don't have a brain taking up space in there. Maybe you could do without a leg or two, and I'll just leave you to die here, slowly and painfully"

I look at him, and smile evilly "But then you wouldn't get to see my wondrous face, would you? I know…"

I raise the axe up high, and he struggles to move, but I apply more pressure on his stomach, keeping him down.

"You don't have any guts, do you? Trying to kill a small girl, _who trusted you completely to look after her like you promised! _So an axe to the gut shouldn't kill you, should it?"

And I bring the axe down again. This time it is not a feint. A sickening squelch sounds, as he starts to coughs up blood. Feeling slightly nauseated, I bend down to examine my work. A knife wound would have been neater, but I don't think I would have the strength to do it. The axe has sort of exploded his stomach, but I can make out the pale pink ribbons of his guts. I hold back my vomit as I stand. Baum who comforted me is dead, and I killed him, and not in the nicest way wither

"Wow Baum, turns out you really _do _have guts. Where've you been hiding them? Maybe _that's _what's been taking up the space between your ears." I feel the urge to stalk away from him quickly, worried I _will _actually vomit, and lose the only food I could find today.

Before I go, I grab his pack, and wrench the knife from his slackening grip.

_I __trusted__ him!_

Good thing I never told him my secret then.

I put my new pack on my shoulder and leave him, coughing blood still.

He'll be dead soon.

Killing is easy, _too _easy.

But I won't let myself die, whatever happens.

***BOOM***


	3. Is it filled with Glory?

**Guess who's going on holiday _again_. Yup, me. Luckily it's the last Holiday, so I'll be able to publish again afterwards. Otherwise this may be the last one :(**

I have my axe now, and that makes me pretty much indestructible, as far as tributes are concerned. I could probably take on the Careers now.

But I'm not actually _going _to.

I may be a killer, but I'm not an idiot, unlike that _traitor _Baum.

I glare at a nearby squirrel, and it glares right back at me. I chuck the axe at it, but it scurries off into the tree is branches. From there, it looks down at me, and gives me a scolding look.

"Get lost" I tell it, scowling. It just looks at me, and scatters away.

I mutter darkly under my breath, a stream of words in which the words isquirrel' and 'disembowelment' come up alarmingly often. I have to go over to the tree now and tug the axe out, which is actually harder than it looks, as I can throw them pretty hard. I put my hands on the handle and give it a sharp tug that removes it from the tree, though leaves the tree with a long gash on it.

I turn round again, hoping to see the squirrel again. Or, more precisely, the squirrel headless.

"Where are you?" I mutter, before realising that I'm talking to a _squirrel _and they don't make the best conversational partners.

A scattering sound behind me.

I whirl round and chuck the axe in the direction of the sound, judging perfectly and leaving a squirrel pinned to the tree by the axe, still twitching feebly. I go to retrieve the axe, and maybe the squirrel to eat, when I stop suddenly, my ears picking up a sound from above me. I slowly turn my head skywards and see, to my horror, a boy. Holding a knife. While I'm still weaponless, axe embedded in a large squirrel. He is really short, and thin too, as though he is been surviving on nothing but acorns all this time. He doesn't look like he'd be that good in a fight, but neither do I, and that was just my whole plan. He is got long, straggly black hair, and bright green eyes that seems to have widened to the size of dinner plates.

My brown eyes lock onto his bright green ones, and we stare at each other for a few seconds, neither of us making a move (well, when I say that, what I really mean was _he _wasn't making a move, but I was edging slowly towards my axe with a vague idea that I could whip it out the tree before he came down from _his _tree.) I break eye contact to look at the axe, and judge how deep it is. That seems to set off the chain of motions. Without warning, the boy gives a small squeak of utmost terror, and he tries to shuffle backwards, away from me. That doesn't work, and he wobbles precariously on his branch, as though caught in high wind. As if in slow motion, he sways an inch too far and topples out of the trees clutches.

Taking that as my cue to go and do something before he kills me, I rocket forwards towards the axe, tree and squirrel. I just hope the boy is dazed from his fall too much to stab me before I get the axe out to defend myself. Due to my quickness, I actually manage to reach it before a loud '**thump**' sounds, signalling the meeting between boy, earth and gravity. I wrap both of my hands tightly around the hand, and press one of my feet against the tree as leverage. I give it a sharp jerk, using all of my strength, but it remains resolutely stuck in the tree, the squirrel seems to be smirking at me. I try again, and am unsuccessful in completely dislodging it, but it seems to move slightly in my grasp.

My third attempt is interrupted by a scuffle behind me. Glancing quickly round, I see him try to push himself into a standing position and fall straight back down again. I give a half-hearted tug on the axe, as I watch him get to his feet, unsteady, and stagger forwards, knife still held loosely in his hand, glinting in the sun.

Panic sweeps through me, and in an act of desperation I press both feet against the trunk, so I'm essentially hanging off the axe. I pull, and with a creak, fall to the earth, hands still gripping the axe tightly.

I stagger up, holding the axe between both splintered hands, and heave it high over my head, still facing the tree. I turn around and release the axe towards where the boy was a few minutes ago.

But not anymore.

He is running away.

Away.

But still in the line of my axe is trajectory.

It races him forward, and my brain thinks wildly of a philosophical puzzle I heard about once, with an arrow and a sprinter. Apparently it is impossible for the arrow to catch up, no matter how fast it is going.

Wrong.

A cracking, squelching sound rings out as the axe hits him in the back, and he falls, still alive.

He ran.

Why?

I step towards him, hearing his ragged breath.

I was unarmed, and he had a knife and he just _ran _away! And I'm Jowannakins! The lowest scoring tribute, with my wonderful '3' training score! And he _ran _away from me.

And he is the first person I've (almost) killed who didn't try to kill me first.

Shouldn't I be feeling guilty?

I look at his quivering body, lying on his back, his green eyes staring at the dirt, perhaps wondering how painful death is. Or maybe his eyes are already closed, as he slips into unconsciousness. I realise I should probably apologise, though this idea sounds slightly ludicrous. Apologise to the person you threw an axe at? The person who you're standing over, preparing to kill?

Ludicrous!

But right.

"I'm sorry" I tell him quietly, hoping the cameras won't notice my lapse into being Jo again.

'_No, don't think about Jo, it is Jowannakins or Johanna, you are __**not **__Jo.' _My brain says firmly.

I grab the axe handle, causing a gasp of pain to come from the boy. I didn't know it would hurt, but this is probably less painful than if the Careers had got him. I hope for his sake it is anyway. It is easier to remove an axe from a person is back than from a squirrel and a tree. I raise it above my head again, as I wonder why he didn't try to kill me. _I _would have tried to kill him from the start, and he didn't even try. He just ran away, why did he act differently from me?

'_Because you're a psychopath' _my brain tells me quietly.

_'shut up or I'll axe you too' _

I slam the axe down onto the back of his head.

***BOOM***


	4. Or is it filled with Doubt?

**Want to get another done today! Enjoy!**

My axe is shiny now, nice and clean from all the blood there's been on it so far. I looked for their faces at night, to see the people I killed. I didn't know anyone's name, as I thought it'd make harder to kill. But learning there Districts wasn't actually that hard.

I got the girl from District 4 first, then my fellow District partner Baum. I knew _his _name, but I don't feel guilty about _his _death at all, as he tried to betray me and kill me. Then there was the boy who tried to run away, from District 9 it turns out. His death I felt mildly guilty about, but I made a pact not to feel truly sorry until _after_ the games, so I can feel awful when I'm alive, out of this freacking arena and safe.

Well, saf_er._

I heard things… from the mentors…

I shake my head in an effort to remove that particular thought from my head and keep on crunching through the rocky ground, stepping on dry leaves and twigs which seem to make the loudest sound known to mankind.

Krakatoa, eat your heart out.

I wince at every step; sure that someone's going to leap out of the rocks or trees to finish me off. So far, I've been lucky, and no-one's interrupted my hunting. The last thing I had to eat was a squirrel, and squirrels are actually pretty stringy, or at least this one was. I'm sure I've still got bits of it stuck in my teeth.

I'm in a large clearing now, rocks surrounding the part on my left and dense forest on my left and in front of me. The ground, like the rest of the Arena, is uneven with little bits of rock that are there to trip you up, disguised under a thick leafy blanket.

"Hello Jowannakins!" A bright voice calls out, and I spin around, looking for the source of the voice, but no person steps out from the forest, or leaps down from the rocky hill on the right.

Anyone who calls me 'Jowannakins' is probably not going to treat me well.

"Awww, is ickle Jowannakins fwightened?" the voice croons softly, and I shiver involuntarily, causing the voice to giggle somewhat manically. I whirl around in a circle, holding the axe up, hoping that they don't have a ranged weapon. If the voice's owner has a bow and arrow, I might as well snuff it now.

"Well I'll put you out your misery, Jowannakins, and just kill you now then…" it says with a slight purr, and I spin once more, desperate to see a flicker of movement, but none appears.

Then a crunching sound, like leaves being crushed. Which turns out to actually _be _leaves being crushed, surprisingly. I spin to see a beautiful girl holding a long, deadly, bloody sword. Mina, the girl from District 1. I never meant to learn her name, but I think everyone did anyway. Her long and wavy blond hair is completely shiny and sleek, even now, days into the games. Some of her sponsors must have sent her hair care products or something, as I find it unlikely she managed to keep it that clean naturally. Mine is ratty and full of leaves and sticks, not to mention slightly bloody from my 3 victims.

I bring the axe up cautiously, and she laughs, derisively, not even threatened by it.

"Going to hurt me Jowannakins?" She cackles "Don't be a bad girl, or I'll have to punish you."

She grins evilly.

"Rule one, people never look up…" she continues, whilst circling me like some blond shark. I glance up instinctively, and see a long rope stretched across the top. She must have been hanging there the whole time. I'd have heard her if my hearing wasn't damaged from all the drowning and cannons.

I still don't reply, and she takes a step towards me, and I hold the axe up higher. I'm afraid if I threw it she'd deflect it with the sword. Shockingly, the potholed ground solves that problem for me.

With a small shriek, she trips over a jagged rock, and falls forward. She narrowly avoids impaling herself on her sword, which scatters away, falling into a small cave with a clatter. I have all the power now, and I'm not afraid to use it. I'm the one who takes a step forward now, anger pumping round my body instead of blood.

"Were you going to hurt me, Minger?" I say calmly, though I feel anything but calm.

She snarls at me from the ground, but makes no move to get up. Apparently she feels unthreatened by me, just like the others.

'_And look what happened to them…'_

"I could just leave you here, but then that wouldn't be any fun, would it?" I say, still sounding extraordinarily calm.

She sneers at me again "what are _you _going to do to me Jowannakins? Cry on me and watch me drown in your tears?"

I smile at her "I dunno, maybe you could give me a hand…"

And without any more warning, I whirl the axe around my head and slam it into her wrist. The sound is awful, and I don't think I will ever forget it. A crunch, a squelch and a horrendous scream of anger and pain and fear and mind-blowing terror.

Due to me.

She gasps for air, blood gushing out of her…

No, don't think about it.

The anger's ebbing away now, replaced only by a numb horror at what I just did.

But I still need to kill her; she tried to kill me first! And what part of 'fight to the _death_' does my shocked brain not understand?

"S-stop" she gasps, and I see with some sickening sense of satisfaction that her hair is no longer shiny and clean. "I'm s-s-sorry"

'_Sorry!' _I think wildly _'She's __**sorry! **__After she tried to kill me, which makes __**everything **__alright then, if she's __**sorry!**__'_

"Nope." I say, determined to stay calm "Sorry only works if I like you, and in case you didn't notice, I don't. I _despise you. _I _loathe _you! You arrogant _monster _of a women.

She's trying to get away now, but blood loss will claim her soon.

'_Not before I do…'_

"Do you think" I begin again, speaking in a tone as if discussing the weather "You could survive without you head. Because I'm pretty sure the only reason you have a head is to hold your brain, and you certainly don't have one. Why didn't you just kill me when you were hanging above me, you arrogant _monster_"

She looks on in horror, failing to reply to me.

"Let's find out then" and I swing the axe towards her neck, rage and hatred working alongside gravity.

***BOOM***


	5. Upon the pages you write,

**I'm back again! Thanks for all the nice reviews! I'm adding more for my other stories too! Don't worry, I'm still here :P**

I only felt bad and guilty about one of my kills now.

Mina from 1's.

I just killed the others. The District 4 girl's death was justifiable at the very least, as she tried to kill me first, and I just did to her what she was going to do to me. Drowning's not such a bad way to go. My District partner betrayed me, and I made his death painless, for his family back home, not that _he _deserved it. The boy from 9 was probably going to be killed off by someone else, if I didn't, and he went quickly too.

But she suffered, and I revelled in it all, and wanted her to feel my anger.

I didn't – _don't _show it to the cameras though, and so they must be thinking of me as completely cold and heartless, disguising herself as harmless. Which I am, and am doing to be completely fair to them.

I left the rocky bit of the Arena, and spent a few days up a tree again, just staring moodily into the distance and eating my sponsor's gifts (I've been getting a few, and certainly enough to survive off for the moment being. They sent me another axe, too.) I haven't seen anyone around, which is a good thing. For them.

I shift my position in the tree, trying to make myself comfortable against the branch.

It doesn't work.

Bark isn't the comfiest surface on the planet, and I have been trying to get some sleep for hours, but every time I close my eyes, the images come, so I just sit here staring at a bug making its way slowly up the tree.

I exhale loudly, sitting further upright. If something is going to happen, I should be in a position to get away, and lying hunched in a tree isn't the best position.

Crack.

I freeze in the tree, though I'm sure that anyone could see me up here, I didn't exactly chose it for its camouflage. I gaze off around me, once again unsure where the sound is coming from, just like with _her_.

I glance up too, remembering some of her last words.

'"_Rule one, people never look up"'_

I shake my head slightly, as if to dislodge the image of her leering at me, and look behind me too, my hand slowly edging towards the fork in the tree where I placed my axes. I catch some movement in front of me, a smudge of blue and gold in the Distance. My mind races back to the Cornucopia and to my encounter with the girl from District 1. District 1 is gold, District 4 was blue (the most obvious of the colours, along with my District, which is a deep green). That means at least two people. No, _2 _people. I killed both females from District 1 and District 4, so these people must be the males.

I wonder if they know who killed their District partners.

I wonder if they care.

I also wonder why they broke up so early on. The girls were definitely on their own, and these two don't seem to be with the District 2 tributes (dressed in a taupe, tan colour) so the pack must have split up early.

Which makes it easier for the rest of us.

I consider slipping down off the tree and killing one, then the other, but I don't think I'm a match for 2 trained killers.

So I'll stay in my tree.

They're moving closer, though I don't think they've spotted me yet.

The boy from 4 has ginger hair, just like the victor from several years ago, Finnick I think. He's stockier than Finnick though, and his face seems to perpetually scowling, looking though someone's being murdering kittens in front of him or something. The other boy looks like a male version of his District partner, with clean blond hair, and being extremely attractive. Wonder how many sponsors _he's _had. It might even be less than me, because I'm _sure _I'm becoming the favourite in these games, though anyone you told that too before would have laughed at you.

The blond stiffens, facing my tree, and I'm certain he's spotted me, and recognises me too. My thought is confirmed a second later as he turns as whispers to his ally, and they turn to me, sporting identically evil grins.

"Hello Jowanna" I feel like rolling my eyes at the blond, who doesn't seem to realise the last few people to call me that ended up most definitely dead. He walks forward to the bottom of the tree and grins up at me, running a hand through his hair.

'_Arrogant prat' _I think sourly, and I feel a smile play at the corner of my lips as I reach to the fork in the tree, hidden from the boys. I rest my hand on the axe for a second, before passing over it and scooping up a handful of mud.

He's going to _love _this.

'SPLAT'

The mud explodes on his shiny hair, turning him into a brunette in second. He blinks repeatedly for a few seconds, and then looks up at me in horror, before the horror turns into anger.

"You'll pay for that,_ bitch_." He hisses, while his ally grins, excited about the scene that he's _sure _will unfold soon.

"Oh I don't think so" I say cheerfully "You see, I quite like being alive."

My hands closed around the smaller axe now (though it's probably more like a hatchet) and I hold it up for him to see. He doesn't move.

'_Just like his partner, so __**sure **__I won't do anything with it.'_

"Tut, tut" he says, mock concern written across his face "Little _idiots_ shouldn't play with sharp things, they might get hurt."

"They might" I say, still sounding cheerful "So you should probably go away."

He won't. I know that already as I watch him process what I've just said.

"_Bitch_" he hisses again, looking slightly demented. The boy is backing away from him slightly, as though scared he'll suffer from the blonde's wrath.

"Yup. A bitch that's going to kill you" I say.

"What're you going to do?" He sneers, face turned up to me. "You're too weak to hold that axe up properly; you're probably going to drop it. And _then _I'll have you."

I look at him with mock concentration. "You know…" I say slowly, as though thinking hard "That's probably true too."

And I let the axe fall, straight down his face.

The crunch that issues forth is nothing to the loud gasp of horror his ally (well, now ex-ally) makes, stepping back as though I was some sort of murderous animal. Which I probably am actually. What is it now, 4 kills? 5 if you count the prat who's going to be dead soon.

"You should go" I say to him calmly "Before I kill you like I killed your partner.

His face contorts into a look of pain and anguish. "You… you killed… Thalassa was- _you!"_

I gaze at him, actually quite surprised at the reaction. If he was friendly with her, why did he leave her in the first place? And why did he volunteer for these stupid games if he liked her? Females are chosen first, and he'd have been able to wait until next year. I'm sure he's only 17.

"You know, full sentences are good" I say coolly, not letting any of my thoughts show on my face. "So I'd leave before this prat snuffs it"

He gives me a look of utmost loathing, and turns to run. I really should kill him, but it's tiring, not physically, but emotionally. I really want to sleep, just go and feel nothing.

I should get my axe too.

I lean against the branch and stretch an arm down, fingering the handle for a second before I wrench it out his face, completely covered in blood.

***BOOM***


	6. In your Life's Story:

**Next one! Who realised the poem you can see in the top right corner when you press the drop-down box to chose a chapter? Do you like it? Anyway, this is one of the more depressing kills I think, so read on:  
****Read on,  
Read on,  
READ ON,  
****READ ON!  
****READ ON 'TIL YOUR DREAMS COME TRU-U-U-E! **

**Sing with me, sing for the year  
Sing for the disclaimer, sing for the tear  
Sing with me, just for reviews  
Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will go review  
Sing with me, sing for the year  
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tear  
Sing with me, just for today  
Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will go review...**

**Erm, sorry about my random singing, now read on. _READ ON!_**

I left the forests a few days after he died, like I've been doing a lot recently. After every kill, _murder_, I feel worse, and I can't stand either of them for that long. When I'm in the cliffs I think of Baum, and how he betrayed me, when I'm in the forests I think of worse things. And so I leave for the other habitat, hunting and foraging for food along the way.

Cliffs, Forest, Cliffs, Forest, Cliffs again.

I should probably stay in the forest if I wanted to keep alive, but my three worst kills were all there, and I don't think I could stand it much longer. Both from District 1, and the boy who tried to run. All three are gone now because of me.

I settle myself down at the base of the cliff, and place my head onto my knees, looking at the forest in front of me.

Why did no-one, none of the mentors tell me how hard it was? They told me how to win, and how to make myself kill (not that _Jowannakins _listened) but they never told me how I wouldn't want to. I've even thought about 'accidentally' eating some of the Hangers–wort and just letting myself die. The forests are so similar to District 7 is, complete with poisonous plants like the Hangers-wort.

Instant death.

But every time I think of it, the stubborn bit of my brain (most of it) crosses its arms and says "no". I'm conflicted inside but on the outside I'm just ruthless Johanna Mason, killing all without mercy, and with a witty retort.

The Capitol must _love _me.

I gaze up at the cliff, and groan slightly, as I realise that, for the sixth time, I'm going to have to work out how to climb it. And like the times before, it is probably going to _hurt like hell!_

The last time I found a sort of half-chute thing, which looked sort of like someone had dropped an incredibly heavy circular thing onto the cliff, and it had left a tube. I pushed my back against one of the side and used my feet to climb up it. No matter how practical it was, and how it got me up relatively quickly, it was extremely uncomfortable, and I've got scratches all across my back.

I hit another fly near me as I try to work out how to get up.

Fly.

_Flies._

I whirl around, and immediately recognise this place, where the girl from 1 attacked me. That means the rope must still be here, across and up to the cliffs! I look up, seeing the dark red rope, and instantly walk over to the tree holding it up. I begin to climb it, something I am excellent at just like everyone else in District 7. I'd like to say I'm exceptional even there but that is probably not true.

'_Don't be so 'Jo' Johanna' _I think to myself _'You need to win, so you need to stay Johanna, not Jo, and most certainly not Jowannakins!'_

I push myself up further, as the branches' creaks grow louder and more impatient the closer I get to the top of the tree. After gingerly pushing myself up the trunk near the top, I find myself at the top of the tree, swaying like a flag in a breeze. A gust of wind blows through, and I clutch the trunk tightly, grateful for my light weight as the whole tree seems to sway slightly under my weight. As it stops swaying, I wonder vaguely how the (much heavier) girl from 1 managed to get up here without the branch snapping, and falling down to _her _death.

I then place my left arm forward uncertainly, reaching towards the rope. The other hand is wrapped tightly around the tree trunk. Maybe slightly _too _tightly, as my fingers do nothing more than brush against the rope occasionally. Growing impatient, I loosen my hold letting my elbow slip, leaving just my hand gripping the trunk. I manage to grab the rope this time, and I shift me legs, trying to get my right one over it. This takes a bit of time, but I am eventually successful. Taking a deep breath, I whip my arm from the trunk to the rope, moving so fast the axes on my belt sway like the tree did, slamming into the side of my leg. I try to shuffle forwards, and it works.

I spend the next few days (or so it seems to me) crawling across it, _very_ slowly. The rope is thick taught and thick, so it is almost like the balance bridge back in the training centre, though _Jowannakins_ fell off that countless times.

Johanna, of course didn't.

Jo wouldn't have done either.

I shake my head slightly, to stop myself thinking about Jo. This probably isn't the best thing to do when you're balancing precariously on the top of a wobbly bit of rope.

I'm standing on the cliff within minutes, feeling oddly smug and proud. I hoist the pack further up my shoulders and begin to walk away from the edge, my feet squelching occasionally on the mud that occurs time to time.

And then I freeze.

Footprints.

Small, footprints.

New, small footprints, leading away from where I came from, but towards the overhang on the other side.

I walk quicker; scared about running in case I slip in the mud and crack my head open. I don't even think that much as I'm doing it, increasing the danger, and allowing my brain to wander from the journey.

'_The Capitol would have a field day if they knew that' _I think, as I slip and slide up a small hill _'The fearless Johanna Mason, terrified by a little mud'_

But the mud is far from 'a little' and I slip slightly on the hill, sliding down it on my front. Another small mark next to me shows me that the person I'm following did the same thing.

On my third attempt I manage to scramble up the hill.

I lie on my stomach, panting, before I push myself up into a standing position…

…Coming face to face with a girl with scrubby black hair and a look of surprise on her face, which is slowly morphing into fear.

Her thin face is sunken and gaunt, and her grey eyes seem half dead to me. Her olive skin hands loosely off her skeleton, and she looks like she hasn't eaten for days. Which is probably true now I think about it. We stare at each other, and I'm involuntarily reminded of the boy from 9, who did this before he turned tail and ran.

Speaking of running…

The girl is backing away, trembling ferociously, and my mind flashes to the others. They all thought I was harmless, so why does this girl think differently.

"I saw you…" she whispers, her voice trembling more than her body. "You killed the girl from District 4. I saw you"

I stare at her, mutely, remembering the person I saw vanish into the trees.

"And you killed the ones from District 1. I saw that too"

She did? I heard no-one when I killed the male, though I remember rustling from the forest again. I thought it was Mina…

Not _Mina,_ District 1 girl.

"And I saw what you did to her…" she whispers again more determined. She takes another step backwards, and I realise I've been walking towards her, pushing her towards the edge. My axe hangs at my side, forgotten.

"I won't let you" she whispers again, taking another step back.

Then she vanishes.

The sound of bone breaking tells me she hasn't disappeared, merely fallen off the cliff. No, she jumped, because she was so worried about what I'd do.

I gaze over the edge, looking in horror at what everything I've been doing has led too, and I see her eyes begin to flicker shut. Am I imagining it, or do I see her smile slightly at the sight of me looking so forlorn?

"I'm sorry" I whisper, a whisper that I hope will carry down to her.

The smile that she gives again tells me it does.

Then she stops moving.

***BOOM***


	7. That Life is a fight,

**Random singing FTW! This is the last kill in the Games, and the next chapter is probably more of an epilogue than a chapter, and it's the one where Jo is least like the snarky Johanna we know. Sad, no sarcasm :( same here too, except when she really pretends. Anyway, enjoy and congratulations for getting this far in.**

***Hums Congratulations song* (If you don't know it, look on Youtube)**

**Humhumhumhum, Hum...**

Final two.

Who'd have thought _ickle-Jowannakins _would have made it this far.

I shiver slightly in my green jumper, and walk a couple more steps forwards, axes held aloft; sure that something will jump out at me soon. I haven't killed since the girl from 12, Eula, if you say causing her suicide is murder. I've seen others, and let them go, and it whittled down from 5 to 2 with no help from me at all.

Despite what the Capitol wanted.

Jo took over, since Eula died, and you can tell I've noticed it, even if the Capitol hasn't yet.

But they will.

They sent mutts and landfalls to drive other tributes to me, but I simply pretended not to see them, and led the Capitol to the conclusion that I'm very short-sighted.

I really can't stand the prospect of killing another innocent person again. The Careers weren't really innocent, and I refuse to call Baum innocent, but Eula? That boy from 9? I killed them like a Career would.

So I waited.

I can bring myself to kill the remaining tribute, only because he's a Career, but he's the Career who I didn't want to make it this far, because he's too human.

Far too human.

The look of anguish on his face when I told him that I killed his partner keeps flashing across my mind, and I have to keep picturing mutts hidden between the trees to stop myself from drifting off and thinking solely of him. I haven't thought about the Hangers-wort though, which I suppose is a good thing.

I've been having nightmares though, about the moments before the cannons went off.

I try to forget them, but they stay with me during my waking hours now, not that the Capitol would know. To them, I'm just strong, fearless Johanna, going to kill the remaining tribute.

And he's here somewhere; they directed me here with a rockslide that sent the rocks crumbling into the earth, making the entire _cliff _a pool of fiery rocks. The forest burnt half-way down, and I can still make out the glow in the distance. They want me to go towards the lake, the _massive _lake. Which is bad, because I can't swim too well, and the boy from 4, well, _fishing District! _Maybe they don't want me to win anymore; maybe I've been too boring these last few days.

I emerge into the sandy patch around the lake, and look around for a silhouette of a ginger boy, but none comes. A white flower hangs over the lake, dripping yellow sap. I place my finger in it, watching it cling onto it, almost sentient.

Hangers-wort. Or more precisely, essence of Hangers-wort, one of the most deadly poisons in District 7. The Capitol says they designed it, but the people in my District say it evolved naturally. Strange how something so pretty can be so destructive.

I step away from the flower, though the sap remains on my finger.

Across the beach is a figure, shrouded in shadows.

And I need to be fearless Johanna Mason again. No _ickle Jowannakins. _But no Jo. None of me.

"Hello!" I call across the beach breezily "How've you been doing?"

An inhuman growl is my response, and I wonder for a moment whether the figure really _is _the boy from 4, or whether it's some kind of mutt sent to kill me before he does. It steps out, and his face is illuminated by the forest fire.

And it's him.

His face is burnt slightly, and I remember the time 5 days ago, when the Capitol sent him towards me with a fire-ball, and I happened to be too busy learning to swim to see him across the lake.

'_Ha!'_

I smirk at him, and his expression contorts into one of utmost loathing, a hatred so strong I almost stagger backwards. If looks could kill…

"You, _killed _her" he whispers, hate dripping off every syllable.

"Yup" I say brightly, causing him to growl again, "I did"

Then he says something I will never forget.

"I _loved _her." He says.

This, above all else I have faced, will stick in my head forever. His face full of anger and pain and love as he holds a spear beside him.

"Did you?" I say; voice full of pretend curiosity "Then whose idea was it for _both of you _to enter a fight for the death?"

There is **no **place for love in these games. The Capitol would just crush it.

He gives another growl, and I actually do step back this time.

"You. Killed. THALASSA!" He yells, and runs at me, catching me off guard. I leap aside, as the spear ricocheted off the rock behind me, sticking between two stones. Disarmed now, he turns to me, murder in his eyes. He pulls something out of his belt and I notice the glint of metal a second too late, as I jump to the side again, it slices my arm, causing blood to start to trickle out the line of pain. If I hadn't leapt out of the way, the knife would be in my heart, not my arm.

'_Not that you have a heart' _a small voice whispers, and I feel half inclined to agree with it.

I look up at the boy. He's breathing much too shallowly, and the look of hate is still on his face. For a mad, frantic second, I consider standing still, and letting him kill me. But then the moment passes, and I hold my axe up with my good arm, and swing it at his neck.

He's seen me fight before, and ducks, punching me hard in the stomach. I gasp and release the grip on the axe, causing the lethal instrument to fly off into the night, devoured by shadows. I stagger back, disarmed like he is, (my other axe abandoned in a tree, where I threw it a few days ago), and feel a cool sensation around my ankles, telling me that I'm standing in the lake.

It makes sense that my first kill was in water, and my death or his will be too.

"Not so strong now, _are _you Mason?" he jeers, stepping towards me in the water. He's got to be at least a foot taller than me, and more than 2 times my weight.

I step back, trying to get back to shore and trip on a rock, falling backwards. I push myself away from him, but he keeps coming, grim determination written all over his face.

'_I can't die'_ I think desperately _'Not here, not now!'_

He kneels down beside me pushing his arm into the water, grabbing something from the bottom of the lake.

I try to stand, but fall back, hitting my head on the rocks at the bottom.

Rocks.

Rock. He's holding a rock. He's going to crush my head it.

I make another attempt to stand, and trip again, my attempt to escape doing nothing but creating loud splashes in the lake.

"You'll pay for what you did to Thalassa." He whispers, face full of anger again. He raises the rock high above his head, preparing to bring it down onto _my _head.

I don't know what made me do it.

Really, I don't.

I shoved my finger into his right eye.

He gives a bellow like a wounded rhino and drops the stop, which lands on my head, sending waves of nausea throughout me. White lights burst into being in my vision, as I struggle to keep myself from passing out in the water. I can't move, and I can hardly breathe too. I'm going to die, I'm going to die, I'm going to die…

But no other blow comes. I turn my head (painfully) towards the boy, and see something that shocks me. He's twitching like a dying frog, limbs splaying out everywhere, causing waves to crest and lap against my limp form.

I look at horror at my finger, the one covered in his blood and…

Yellow sap.

Hangers-wort.

I shoved Hangers-wort into his bloodstream. He's going to die.

Relief breaks over me, along with a sense of guilt I haven't felt since Eula died. I don't deserve this, I _really _don't deserve this.

"T-ta-ssa-sa" he mutters, voice cracking so much it's hard to make out what he's saying, or if he's saying anything at all.

I open my mouth as he turns to me, the anger in his eyes gone now, just fear and hurt like me.

Two corpses lying side by side in a lake.

I need this to end.

"I am really, truly sorry. For everything." I whisper to his convulsing form beside me, as his eyes begin to roll up in his head "Please…" Then everything turns white, then grey than black, as I pass out as the cannon goes off, the sound reverberating through the Arena.

***BOOM***


	8. But you were a Victory

**Last chapter *sniff* hoped you liked this while it lasted, because I really enjoyed writing it! This one is definitely the least action filled, and the most angst-y of all the chapters, but I hope you like it anyway! Read on now, and then review! Hope you liked this story, because this was the first multi-chapter story for me to finish!**

**Enjoy!**

Death changes everything.

I thought when my parents died that the world would collapse, and me with it, but I managed to survive, and death didn't really change that much.

_Killing _changes everything.

When I started to kill, it became easier, _too _easy, and I began to enjoy it, to wallow in the power I felt. And then Eula killed herself _because of me! _And killing became hard again.

But this killing will be the hardest of all.

I stare out of the window, watching the rain trickle down it, leaving a small, mostly straight path of water behind it. The rain doesn't seem to care that a killer is watching it.

A killer who is going to kill again soon.

Soon, but not now. I sigh, and trace the path of the raindrop with my finger, the window cool against my touch. I'll wait until after the re-cap, and the interview, and then I'll kill, the _last _kill. The last kill I ever want to make. At least now, anyway.

"Johanna, you're on very soon, so you should _really _get into this dress, the audience will _love _it!" a shrill voice calls from behind me, and I turn towards it, my hand reaching down instinctively, to find a weapon. But there are none, and there is no need. It's just Julia, watching me brightly, holding a horrendous green dress. Normally I'd make a comment, but now…

I turn towards the window again.

This killing will be hardest, I know this, but this killing _has _to happen. I know what we mentors have to do, _entertaining _the people in the Capitol, and I need to kill one last time to stop this.

"I'm fine" I say vaguely, turning back towards the window. Julia frowns at me, confused. I've been different lately, _too _different. Not ickle Jowannakins, the girl frightened of her own shadow, but not cool, calm, murderous Johanna. I'm me again, not that anyone here knows that.

Back home, I wasn't like either of them, but here, I'm both of them. Back home I was called Jo.

Jo, Jowannakins and Johanna.

All trapped inside my head.

Maybe the interview is too late, and I should kill them now, before I do something stupid, before I take off the masks and just show myself.

The girl in the reflection in the window looks back at me, sad and pensive, mousy hair combed back and styled for the _pleasure _of the audience of people who forced me to kill. Those very same people forced me to invent Johanna and Jowannakins, and abandon Jo for now.

For ever.

My mind thinks back to the dead, the people I have killed. I try not to think about those who I am going to have to kill soon.

The first kill, the one I felt least guilty about then, when I was Johanna, but now I'm Jo again, her death makes me want to shout, and cry and hit and scream. She tried to kill me, and I killed her back. I found out now that she didn't actually volunteer for the games. I didn't know that then. The boy volunteered first, and then she was chosen, unwillingly. She had to pretend to be like them, the Careers. Like me. She wasn't just in love with the boy; she was going to marry him, after he won the games.

Baum, my sort-of friend before the games. When he was chosen everyone moaned and willed for someone to volunteer for him, but no-one stepped forth. When I was chosen people sighed in relief that it wasn't _their _child, and just an orphan who wouldn't be missed. Baum changed so much in the games, and like the girl from 4, tried to kill me. I feel pity when I think of him now, as Jo.

The one who ran away, the boy from District 9. I learnt his name too, now I'm Jo again. He was called Bailes, and he was 12 years old. He was the youngest child in a family of 7, from what I can tell from the reaping. All 6 of them cried, except for Bailes himself. I called him weak, but he was stronger than me.

Mina, who I tortured, as Johanna, and enjoyed doing it, I feel guilt about her death too. She may have tried to kill me too, but I didn't have to make her feel pain like that, or _revel _in the pain. That was the Capitol's second favourite kill, apparently. Her death made Johanna powerful, _too _powerful, and I became her completely. I was Johanna then, as I will be in the future for ever.

The Capitol's _favourite _kill, the blond boy from District 1. I learnt his name too, Kirke. I felt sorry about his death until I looked at the games' statistics and saw he killed the second largest amount of tributes in the games, 6 of them. Second to me of course (I was credited with Eula from District 12's death too). Or, more precisely, second to _Johanna._

Eula's death, the one that brought me back to being Jo. I try not to think about her.

The boy from District 4, who almost won the games if it wasn't for some misplaced Hangers-wort that I have to pretend, was placed on my fingers on purpose. He really should have won, not me, and according to the doctors, the games almost had no winner at all. I felt anger at the comment after, where the doctors moaned about how _awful _that would be, and how _glad _they were Johanna Mason won and how they had _no idea _that Jowannakins was Johanna.

Even the Capitol can make the distinction between us.

Jowannakins, Johanna and, the one hidden behind the masks, Jo.

Just me.

Jowannakins, Jo and Johanna.

Weak, Wimpy, Snivelling Jowannakins

Sarcastic, Cutting, Cruel Johanna

Selfish, Lazy, Moody Jo.

And I have to wear the mask forever now, because of the way I acted in the games. The Capitol doesn't _want _to see the wimp, or the real me. They want _Johanna Mason, _the person who I became in the games, and I have to comply.

So I have to go, along with my wimp mask, though I'd be glad to be shot of it, to be completely honest with myself.

My_selves._

And so it'll be Just Johanna.

Sarcastic, Cutting, Cruel Johanna

'_I can never be me again, so I need to completely remove Jo from me, and forget about her too'_

I sigh, as Julia stands awkwardly behind me, still holding the dress. I vaguely heard her wittering on about it while I was thinking about murdering things. She's looking at me as I turn away from the tear-stained window and turn towards her, she looks worried, though if it's because of me or for me I do not know.

I close my eyes, and give another long sigh.

"Johanna?" Julia asks nervously, breaking the silence

"Fuck off" I say in a matter of fact voice, causing her to blanch and go running off to whinge about 'Howibble Johanna' to anyone that'll listen (That'd be no-one then!) I smirk at her retreating back, thinking of how easy it would be to throw something hard at her.

Just one thought from Jo remains.

**There was no boom… **


End file.
